


I Held On When You Pulled Away

by Spark_Stark



Series: To Bring You Back Home [13]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Break Up Talk, Crying, Difficult Decisions, Family Feels, Feelings, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spark_Stark/pseuds/Spark_Stark
Summary: Neither Aaron or Spencer liked change, their life together was going well. Well enough to survive such a catastrophic change?
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: To Bring You Back Home [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820395
Comments: 39
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao reviving this story guess?

Erin Strauss' resignation was a scandal to the Bureau.

The morning of the controversial email, Prentiss, Morgan, Reid, JJ and Garcia were crowded into JJ’s petite office. Theorising and sharing what they had heard from around the building. There was no real explanation released yet, unless you took Grant Anderson’s word as the truth. They tried not to.

Although they by no means liked the woman, what relationship each agent had with the section chief was one of mutual distrust but professional courtesy. She had tried to play Prentiss as a bureaucratic pawn in her chess game, something for which the unit had never really forgiven her for.

“I mean, I would have said OxyContin if anything.” Prentiss mused, which earned her a disapproving look from Morgan, not that he held any real authority over her when he did it like Hotch did. She shrugged at him.

What Anderson had been sharing was that Strauss had an underlying alcohol problem and had been forced into resigning. They wanted to say that it explained a lot, but they said nothing instead. Gossip was dangerous.

Under her desk, JJ gently kicked at Reid’s foot beside hers. Across the desk from him she asked, “Has Hotch said anything to you?” Reid shook his head. Hotch didn’t tend to tell him things before he told the team, tried not to treat him with any favouritism on the job. Any news concerning the team, Reid found out at the same time as everybody else. They knew this, she asked anyways. They were truly clueless.

Last night had seemed so... distant, from this moment. Everything was so spectacularly normal. They made dinner and watched some talk show that Hotch liked while Spencer read through a new book he found at the airport. They’d talked idly about their day and Aaron mentioned bringing Jack on a holiday, maybe take Diana up on the offer to meet him. It was all so perfectly normal.

“Do you think we’ll still get that extra agent?” Morgan asked the group. They didn’t know much about the situation beforehand. Before Strauss had accompanied them to a case and Hotch and Reid’s relationship was revealed. That seemed like years to them now, when it had merely been two months ago.

Reid had tried to bring it up to his partner once or twice, conversationally, but Hotch had always kept it confidential and professional. Dismissing the topic and redirecting their discussion before Spencer could object. 

Hotch hadn’t left his office since he and Reid had come in this morning. Rossi was yet to make his appearance, he tried not to be in any earlier than absolutely necessary if he could help it, quoting that his advanced age meant he needed all the beauty sleep he could get. Hotch was buried in his paper work as usual, seemingly unchanged by the news of the morning. They had seen him close the blinds to take a call, but that was not uncommon; Emily Prentiss had an awful habit of lip reading.

He got calls everyday, there was no way to know whether the two events were in any way related.

“I hope it isn’t an outsider.” Garcia mopped and it pulled at the profilers' heart strings. 

There wasn’t really much they could say to comfort her, they were unsure and dubious of what was to follow. “I don’t know, momma.” Was all Morgan could offer her.

After almost a full long, dull and wholly underwhelming day, the unit chief stepped out of his office at exactly half past five and called his team to the conference room. They followed him in anticipation. Hotch was running his thumb along his knuckles nervously as the agents took theirs seats. Dave sat beside him and shot a questioning glance in Hotch's direction to which he could only return an anxious grimace.

“I assume you have all heard this morning’s news,” he started carefully. Garcia came waddling in a moment later, having also been summoned. She took the empty seat between Derek and JJ.

They nodded in response and he continued. “Some believed it was expected, others were completely unaware. However, her replacement has already been organised.”

Morgan voiced the group’s question. “Who is it?” The agents looked to their leader in anxious expectation, hoping to God it wasn’t-

“DOJ.” Was all he said.

There was a collective ‘oh fuck’ feeling that passed around the room. "Great.” JJ muttered, which pretty much summed up what the agents were thinking. The thick silence that fell was sticky and uncomfortable to Hotch. 

He winced before he then saying, “There’s more.” He placed his hands on the table and linked them, he looked at each agent around the table to gauge their reaction. The general consensus being nervous skepticism. “In light of the situation and the circumstances of its occurrence, the director’s deputy has also been asked to step down, affective immediately.”

The team had similar quizzical expressions on their features. “Sir?” Garcia questioned delicately. So quiet compared to her usual loud personality.

“It’s not really my place to say,” Hotch responded regretfully. His hands were truly tied, sworn to confidentiality by people well above his pay grade. They understood that, most things worked like that within the FBI. It was constantly irritating and exasperating, but the agents had mostly become accustomed to it.

Prentiss glanced around at her colleagues and asked, “So, we’re under review or something?”

When Hotch said “Well,” instead of a straight answer, they knew there was more bad news to come. He seemed to be having trouble verbalising what he needed to say. It was only Spencer’s soft _‘What is it?’_ that got Aaron to eventually announce; “I’ve been offered the deputy’s position.”


	2. Chapter 2

When Spencer and Aaron arrived home, a little past seven, Aaron released a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. Spencer took his shoes off and placed them on the rack before crossing the threshold and enveloping his partner in a tight hug. Aaron gripped Spencer's waist as if his life depended on it.

Spencer pushed him toward the couch in the centre of the room. "Let's talk," he said gently, placing a kiss on Aaron's chin. 

What he hadn't expected from Aaron was a whimper followed by wet tears streaking down his cheeks. "I'm sorry." he whispered, breaking Spencer's heart a little. "I don't- I'm not upset."

"You've been so... Put together all day, it's not an unusual emotional response." as he said it, he drew his arms up around Aaron's shoulders and pressed into the tense knot of muscle there. At first he squirmed under the touch, it was sore and uncomfortable, but eventually the pain began to ease.

It took time, at least twenty minutes -but Reid wasn't keeping count- for Aaron to calm down. Spencer dried the tears from his face and kissed him softly and slowly. He responded to the kiss lazily, running his hands up and down Spencer's back. "Tell me what you're thinking." he said delicately.

Aaron nodded and steadied himself against the back cushions of the couch. "I don't want the job." were the first words from his mouth. "I'm not done as a field agent yet."

Spencer said nothing but encouraged him with a wavering smile. "I thought, maybe some day I’ll move up," he choked on air as more tears pronounced themselves.

"But not yet." Spencer finished for him and Aaron nodded.

That wasn’t the only reason. Yes, Aaron was at his prime in terms of physical fitness and it would be a complete waste for him to move to a desk job. That wasn’t all of it though. He loved his team, of course, and he wasn’t ready to leave them -that was so obviously that it didn’t even need to be spoken. He had so much more to offer to the BAU as a profiler, he was the most experienced of the team after Rossi, they wouldn’t be the same if he left so soon. Morgan would be promoted, a new agent would come in. Between the seven of them, there wasn’t enough experience to keep the engine running as smoothly as it had been.  
  
Morgan would be great as their unit chief, Hotch had no doubt about it. He was a natural born leader and the team already respected him as such, but he was still learning, just like Reid, Prentiss and JJ were. It was not arrogance or vanity that made him think that they still needed him.

Deputy Director also meant moving to the Hoover building in D.C. and although it was closer to home, it was new and full of ageing bureaucrats and politicians. It wasn’t where Aaron Hotchner belonged, at least not yet. 

He could see the exhaustion clear on his boyfriend's face and he fought the frown pushing on his own features. Spencer reached for Aaron's tie and loosened it, following with the top three buttons of his shirt. "Go he down for a bit, I'll bring some tea for your headache." Aaron hadn't mentioned a headache, hadn't even touched his temple where pain was starting to make itself known, but Spencer could tell. He could always tell.

Aaron nodded and stood slowly from the couch. When he was at the doorway of the living room he turned to face Spencer. "I love you." he smiled despite the throbbing in his head.

"I know." Spencer replied, a similar smile about his own lips.

Once Aaron had made his way to their bedroom and Spencer could hear him shed his jacket, he filled the kettle -which he had coerced Aaron into buying one weekend at Target- and put it on to boil. He took out his phone and searched through his contacts until he found the name he was looking for and hit dial.

She picked up on the third ring. "Hi, Haley?" he started nervously. They had had quite a few conversation and considered each other some what friends, but it still help weird calling your boyfriend’s ex-wife and inviting her over. "I know it's a school night, but Aaron's had a difficult day..."

On the other end of the line Haley could sense by the tone of Spencer's voice that he was stressed and tired. There was a silence between them for some seconds, Spencer not sure what to say. "Why don't Jack and I come over for dinner?" she suggested. "I'll pick up something on the way over."

The doctor's shoulders fell with relief. "That'd be great. Thank you." he replied. 

“He’s still got some homework to do, but I’m sure he’d love your help.” She hung up shortly after while Spencer was pouring the tea with a promise to be there in about an hour.

He brought the mug into their bedroom and handed it to Aaron who was slumped against the backboard, stripped of his jacket and tie, his shoes by the foot of the bed. There was a bottle of Tylenol on the bedside table. 

"Rest for a bit," he said placing a delicate kiss to Aaron's forehead. "then well have something to eat." he ran his fingers through Aaron's hair, tousling it in the process. Aaron sipped the tea and smiled up at Spencer. He wanted to say thank you, he wanted to say how much he appreciated Spencer for this and for everything. When he looked into Spencer's eyes, they sparkled with love and understanding, and Aaron realised that he didn't have to say it; Spencer already knew.

They would have to talk about it again, there was more to discuss. But for now, Spencer put his hand against Aaron’s cheek and left to clean up for when Haley and Jack would arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all can have a lil fluff... For now


	3. Chapter 3

"Dad, why is daddy sad?" was the first question Jack had asked Spencer that night. The young boy had a small frown on his face that had both Spencer and Haley thinking _‘he got that from Aaron’._ He looked to Haley for help to answer, but she could only really shrug. She didn’t know the answer, she hadn’t pushed much when Spencer had called.

He turned to face the young boy who he'd begun to think of as his own. "Daddy didn't have a very nice day. That's why I invited you for dinner." he tried to answer honestly, he always did with Jack. It was something he’d noticed Aaron doing at the start of their relationship and had begun doing himself. 

Jack thought about Spencer's words for a minute, then responded "Because I make daddy happy." he seemed pleased by this conclusion he had come to. Spencer smiled at him.

"Yes you do, Jack. You make all of us very, very happy."

He caught Haley's glance as he said it, she was smiling at their son as well. "My friend Ben makes me happy, he tells funny jokes and makes sure nobody is mean to me. I like Ben."

Aaron returned to the table where he had left to go to the bathroom, Spencer was thankful to see the softness in his features return as he listened to their son babble about anything and everything that came into his mind. He was surprised how easily Jack had picked up on Aaron's mood, at Jack's age he himself had struggled with that. He still did sometimes.

"I hope Ben's jokes aren't as funny as mine." he replied, taking his seat beside Spencer.

Jack giggled in the carefree way that Aaron prayed he never lost. "Nobody's jokes are as funny as yours, daddy."

-

When Haley shut the apartment door on her way out, Aaron turned and pulled Spencer into a tight hug, throwing his arms around Spencer's shoulders and pulling him against his chest. "Thank you, Spence." he said, his voice was unsteady and cracked at the beginning.

They stood like that for some time, gripping to each other as if their life depended on it, as if they would never be able to do it again. It wasn't too late, only about nine when Haley left with a yawning Jack in her arms, but Aaron felt exhausted.

"Why don't you take tomorrow off?" Spencer suggested, the sound muffled against Aaron's neck where his face had burrowed into.

Aaron just shrugged, which made alarms go off in Spencer's mind. The last time Aaron had taken a sick day, Spencer had to physically lock him in the apartment. He'd been too weak to push against Spencer's weight as he shut the door in his face, and eventually trudged off back to bed for the day.

Pulling away, Spencer took his boyfriend's hand in his and pulled him toward their bedroom. Aaron had changed out of he suit and into a soft t-shirt and joggers. Spencer was still in his work attire. As he pushed Aaron toward the bed, he went to the dresser to take out a pair of pyjama bottom and threw them in Aaron's direction before getting a pair for himself.

He crawled into bed beside Aaron even though he knew he wouldn't sleep for hours. Aaron pulled him again his chest and traced pattern into Spencer's bare skin until he drifted off. Spencer had forgone wearing a T-shirt of his own because he knew Aaron liked feeling the warm body beside him. It helped him sleep, warded off the nightmares knowing _‘Spencer is right here in my arms’._

There was much they would need to talk about, of course. It wasn't as simple as saying _‘no, thank you.’_ to the director of the FBI. There were so many implications that came with even the _offer_ of a promotion so high within the bureau. Even if Aaron thought that now wasn't the time, he had to think critically that he mightn't ever be offered such a position again.

Money wasn’t a concern, between the money left from his father’s will and his current income as unit chief, Aaron had enough for a very comfortable life. The job was safer, even though he was in a more public position. It didn't come with the imminent threat of being killed in the field the way he’d witnessed first hand and also brushed a few times himself. Maybe he would need a security detail when he went to public events, but that was only twice -maybe three times- a year. He'd probably be allowed choose his own detail anyways (and he'd obviously pick Morgan and Prentiss. Between the two of them, Spencer knew that no harm would ever come to Aaron.)

Jack could see his father every weekend, maybe even collect him from school some days and go for ice cream as a treat for doing so well on a test. He could be the father he always dreamed of being.

And then of course they could only wonder if their relationship was a secret Strauss had taken with her when she left. It was difficult enough with their already uneven power dynamic. Aaron often turned to Rossi for assistance and ask if he was being too biased or playing favourites. (He very rarely was, but he was always thinking about it.) Now with Aaron moving even higher up the chain of command, it wasn’t just scandalous and a quick gossip at the coffee machine between agents. 

Spencer mightn’t ever be able to receive a promotion, lest everybody believe his boyfriend had something to do with it. Even within the BAU where he had been for almost eight years. He couldn’t be promoted to a senior profiler, he’d be stuck in the same position. Unless he left the Bureau all together, maybe became a full time researcher or lecturer.   
  


It was a tricky thing, bureaucracy. But Aaron seemed to not mind it for the most part. If it made Aaron happy, kept his safe, Spencer couldn’t forgive himself for telling Aaron to turn down the offer. It would be wholly selfish in his part.

He’d do anything if it meant Aaron was safe and happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, I'm Depressed AF so took the day off school and wrote this.. comments would make me feel very happy. BTW I screenshot all the nice comments from my fics so I can read them when I’m sad.   
> Anyways, follow me on twitter if you'd feel so inclined.@whatsneatpete


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer took the subway home from Quantico to D.C. on Thursday. Aaron had some extra work to do now that he was temporarily taking up Strauss' work until their replacement came in. He'd be home a little later than normal that evening, was what he had said to Spencer as he kissed him on the cheek outside his office. Right where everybody could see. Where anybody could say something. Hotch had changed so much in the eight months since they’d started dating.

He called him ‘Spence’ and ‘Babe’ in conversations at work, he sat beside him on the plane rides home and let hold his hand while he did his reports, he filled Spencer’s coffee mug and kissed him on the temple when the team pulled all nighters on cases. It made Spencer’s heart contort, knowing what he was to say to him come that night.

He said he'd made up his mind and they'd talk about it over dinner that night.

He let himself into their apartment, and was greeted by the sight of Spencer on the couch cradling a book in his hands and a glass of wine went untouched on the table before him. As he came in he took off his shoes and put his briefcase down by the door. "Hey, love." He greeted.

Spencer looked up from the pages and smiled at the man across from him. "Dinner's warmed in the microwave." Spencer stood, discarding the book on the couch and approaching the man. Aaron would pick that up later and put it back on one of the shelves in the living room.

They gravitated toward one another, Aaron placed a delicate kiss on Spencer's forehead as a hello. "Thank you." Spencer tilted his head and pushed lips against Aaron's. He hummed pleasantly when Aaron placed his hand on the back of his neck.

"Let's eat."

It wasn't exactly awkward. There were silences and unusual gaps in conversation. They both knew what was to come but didn't know when to talk about it.

“Okay,” Aaron said, taking a sip of wine and a deep breath. "Let's not beat around the bush anymore."

Spencer bit his lip but nodded nonetheless. ”Do you want the job?” He asked quietly even though they both knew he did.

Aaron sighed and Spencer could see the stress between his brows. He said the obvious. "You know I do." Spencer tapped the back of his hands together. He nodded.

He knew Aaron wanted it. It would be ridiculous not to. There were so many more pros than cons to it. The pros; shorter hours, closer to home, stability, pay rise, more benefits. It made it seem like that was the only real choice. He’d be an idiot not to take it. There weren't that many cons either; he'd have to leave the BAU, take a desk job, working in the Hoover building. It didn't seem like a difficult decision, but one thing did make it harder. Spencer and Aaron would _probably_ have to split up.

They hadn't exactly talked about it, not directly. The two men knew the implications of what taking the job would mean.

A stalemate came. Spencer stared at him over the glasses and finished meal and tried to articulate the thoughts. He heard Aaron take in a deep breath, getting ready to speak. He wanted to say what was on his mind before Aaron tried to change the topic. He knew Aaron would. He reached for his boyfriend's hand over the table to stop him from hurting himself.

"Take the job."

"Marry me."

They’d spoken at the same time and now they were backtracking over what the other had just said. The silence was quite literally painful, a headache was already making himself known to Spencer. "Aaron, you've got to be fucking kidding." His voice was barely above a whisper. Aaron's poker face was in play, nothing was readable to the profiler. "I'm sorry." he said. He was closing himself off from Spencer, he did that when he was upset.

" _No_." Spencer responded, his tone suddenly louder. "Why would you say that? What is wrong with you?" He stood suddenly, a fierceness in his eyes that Aaron had never seen before. It scared the shit out of him.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Spence."

Aaron's attempt to deescalate the situation fell flat when Spencer began to shout at him, he jumped up from the table and ripped his hand from Aaron’s. "Don't lie to me.” He saw Aaron flinch but it didn't filter all the way through to his mind. "You knew exactly what would happen when you said that."

The older man wiped at his eyes. "I thought you had, I don't know, changed your mind." Spencer laughed bitterly at him because he didn't know what else to do.

“Changed my mind." He repeated, almost as if he was disgusted at the thought. Aaron bristled at his tone and stood up after him, slower than Spencer had. The room fell so completely silent that they could hear all the usual noises from outside. A dog barking, cars driving past, aeroplanes overhead.

He began to walk away from his boyfriend and Spencer stuttered, his whole body language changing as he asked, "Where are you going?”

From across the room, Aaron turned to face him. “I’m upset by what you've said. I'm going for a walk." nothing more was spoken between them, Aaron shut the door behind him. He’d said so calmly that it made the slow forming tears streaked down his cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

Opening the door, Haley was wholly surprised and taken back to see her ex-husband on her porch looking utterly solemn and depressed. "Aaron?" she called out to him, as if he were miles away rather than four feet from her doorstep.

He did seem, in some way, to be not entirely present. 'Is everything alright?"

It was there, on his once best friend's porch, he broke down into a fit of jerky shaking and tears. Without speaking, Haley pulled him inside and into her kitchen where he collapsed into a chair. He was soaked through his jacket when it had begun to rain on his way over. It wasn't until he was at the outskirts of the District that he realised where his feet were subconsciously leading him.

"What happened?" Haley asked as she helped him pull the heavy, damp jacket off his shoulders. He hadn't noticed when the rain started, but it was pouring down the kitchen windows and the noise of it echoed around the house. Spencer loved the rain. He always tried to convince Aaron into it at home. He wanted to kick the puddles and run from shelter to shelter between street shops, even if it gave him a head cold for the rest of the week.

Cold. He was cold too, that's why he was still shaking well after the tears had subsided. "Spencer and I had a fight." He didn't know what else to say.

Aaron wiped at his cheeks to clear the drying tear tracks from them, his hand was continuing to shake until Haley passed a cup of coffee to him. He wasn't thirsty or in the mood for a coffee but he appreciated the heat it brought through the ceramic to his frozen fingers.

"What was it about?" She wasn't sure if that was the right thing to ask, but she didn't know what else to say.

He steadied himself, leaning back against the chair. "I asked him to marry me." He said. Haley laughed. The noise broke through his layers of self deprecation and he asked defensively, "What?"

She gave him a pitiful look and Aaron decided he hated it. "You've only been together..." she paused, searching for an answer.

"Eight months," Aaron supplied.

"Eight months, exactly. Why?"

The man who was once her husband looked up to her. "I was offered a promotion and- they'd probably make us break up, but not if... Not if we were already married."

It made sense. Sort of. He didn't understand why being married versus being in an equally committed relationship made a difference to the Bureau, but it did. Do it seemed like the most logical solution to the problem, he didn't understand why Spencer would -

"Does Spencer not want you to take the promotion?" Haley asked unsurely. It didn't seem like the sort of thing the doctor would do.

Placing the mug on the kitchen table, Aaron ran he's now warmed fingers through his hair. "No, he wants me to take it," he responded. "He doesn't want to marry. Which means he wants us to break up."

Haley gave him an unusual look that he was too cold and exhausted to try decipher. "I really doubt he wants that." She said.

"He told me to take the job and- oh." He cut himself off as he went back over their conversation.

"What?" Haley asked, watching Aaron's shoulders slump in despair.

Aaron stood, taking a long sip from the coffee to warm his insides. "I don't think I explained it to him properly." he admitted, feeling a little foolish as he said it. Like a child being caught out on a lie.

Walking away from Aaron, she took her car keys from inside her handbag on the kitchen counter. "Jack is at Jess' for the night. I'll give you a lift home.” In the car, he rain his thumb over his knuckles, a nervous habit he'd had since boarding school. Haley watched from the corner of her vision.it smelled the same; Haley's car. Like the strawberry sweets she used to eat in high school.

"Aaron," she drew the agent's attention to her. "This is Spencer, he's going to understand once you explain to him."

He drew in a slow breath to steady himself. He didn’t speak for awhile, but when he did he asked her, "When did you and Spencer become best friends?" Allowing himself the chuckle that fell from his lips to play through the small space

There was a moment between Aaron's laugh and Haley's response, Aaron didn't realise until later that night it was because she was enjoying the moment. She hadn't heard Aaron laugh, even minutely, in years before their divorce, before he joined the BAU. She supposed Spencer was responsible for that. He'd finally accepted himself and found somebody for him that he could love, that could truly be his other half. Maybe the job wouldn't kill him, not while he had Spencer Reid by his side. "He's good with Jack."

"Jack's good for him." Aaron said.

"What do you mean?"

Aaron shrugged, but he knew exactly what he’d meant when he had said it. "Spence is... He needs it like I do- being a parent. We need to know there's still kids who can grow up with good fathers and become good people."

"Instead of becoming a serial killer." Haley answered, reminding him that he was having a conversation with her and not alone with his thoughts. It could have come across as offensive to another person, but she knew how Aaron had meant to when he said he worried about what would become of Jack. "If it helps, he hasn't wet the bed since he was three."

They turned left at a set of traffic lights, under a bridge and entering the District. The trees turned to buildings and the open greens of Virginia became the constantly buzzing sidewalks of D.C. Aaron always thought of himself as a southern boy- as much a he despised it- he thought that was where his home was. He’d learned over the past few months that that wasn’t the truth. The truth was that his home was wherever Spencer Reid was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol hi,  
> So this happened. I feel like maybe here is a good place for a warning that It Gets Worse. Just give it time...  
> Also this story is pro-haley because I rewatched Route 66 when l originally wrote this and i think she's a nice person. Anyways, feel free to leave a comment or message me on instagram, twitter or tumblr.


	6. Chapter 6

The door was locked when Aaron returned. He didn't think much of it as he unlocked it and disarmed the alarm. Immediately he noticed the darkness and complete silence, his footsteps echoed in the hallway as he made his way further into the apartment.

Aaron expected to see Spencer on the couch reading as he was almost always, but he wasn't there. He called out for Spencer once with no response, then tried again, this time more shakily, the same quietness shouting back.

He pulled out his phone, but there were no texts or missed calls on his phone, nor a post-it note on the fridge like Spencer usually used to leave notes on when he was out. He tried to call Spencer’s phone but was sent to voicemail twice before he gave up. Aaron fell back onto the couch. His breathing was ragged and uneven and his chest hurt like a heavy weight was compressing his lungs.

This had already happened to him. He never thought he’d be in this situation again, especially not with Spencer.

His phone rang sometime later, the sudden sound scared him and he almost dropped it from his hand that was still clutching it. Aaron brought it to his ear, not bothering to read the caller I.D.

"Spencer," he breathed.

"He's fine, he's talking to JJ." The voice on the other end was that of a familiar southern. Will.

Aaron sighed. "He's okay?" he asked, the concern was thick in his voice.

There was a moment of silence, probably no more than a few seconds but it felt like a century to Aaron. "He's uh... Well, he's safe." Aaron rubbed his forehead, he was exhausted. "I think he's gon' stay the night here." Will said, it was quiet and regretful.

"Alright," he said roughly. "Keep him safe, please."

Will hummed in agreement. "I'll call you in the morning." he said and hung up after.

Now he was alone. He hadn’t been alone in this apartment for some time, it felt like Spencer was always there. All his things were still here, mostly. The post-it note on the fridge with the dates of Jack’s science fair and birthday’s of friends in Spencer’s handwriting. The sweet instant coffee powder only he drank on the kitchen counter, always in reach because he drank so much. The weighted blanket folded over the side of the couch that Aaron put on him when he fell asleep reading on the couch. All the academic certificates in frames on the walls, even the ones that Spencer didn’t find impressive; Diplomas from GW he did during his time off every year.

He was grateful Jack wasn’t here tonight to see him cry or drink a bit too much and stumble to bed without undressing well into the early hours of the morning.

The next day, Aaron rose with less than four hours of sleep and still a little intoxicated. The coffee and toast sobered him up enough for his team not to notice and the shower chased away the smell, but the ache in his heart wouldn’t leave. Not until Spencer came home.

True to his word, Will rang him as he was buttoning his shirt, something that Spencer always did for him because he liked the feel of the buttons and any chance to smell Aaron’s aftershave and to be close to him.

“JJ is gonna bring him to work,” Will said. “He’s, uh, really upset?”

That confused Aaron. “Not angry?” He asked. He’d expected Spencer to be angry with him. They’d talked about marriage before, in a roundabout way. Spencer didn’t want to get married, ever. Aaron should have respected that but he didn’t.

“I don’t think so, he just- he cried a lot.” Aaron could hear how hard it was for Will to say.

“Right,” He said. “I’ll try talk to him today. Thank you for taking care of him. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but-” He hated himself for even thinking it.

Will cut him off. “I know, he said he came here because he didn’t know if he could resist it.” Aaron felt himself falling against the wall, the tears falling freely down his face.

He managed a shattered, “Thank you, both of you.” before his knees gave out from under him and sent him straight to the floor.

If Will heard anything, he didn’t say so. “No problem.”

They hung up and Aaron squeezed the phone in his hand until it was close to cracking. The glass screen was splintered down the centre from the pressure. He couldn’t really see it through the tears.

Eventually he found himself standing again, he put on the suit jacket that was laying on the table and unlocked the gun safe, trying to go about his morning as if there wasn’t a gaping hole in his chest and hot teat tracks on his cheeks.

Spencer’s S&W was laying beside Aaron’s Glocks. He took the three, secured his two and put Spencer’s in his briefcase between the case files and other papers.

The drive was 45 minutes with no traffic, it felt like he was driving in a circle. He wasn’t sure it was safe for him to be driving, but he did it anyways. He had already lost so much.

None of his team had come in yet for which he was grateful. He stopped by Spencer’s desk to put his gun into the drawer on the way to his office. He stopped when something caught his eye. A framed photograph in the drawer atop of some books.

The photo was on Aaron, Spencer and Jack. Aaron didn’t remember it being taken, he probably hadn’t realised. He wasn’t looking at the camera in the picture, he was looking at Spencer and Spencer was looking at him. Aaron’s hand was on Spencer’s chest and Spencer was looking at him as if Aaron was his whole world. Jack was sitting on Spencer’s shoulders in his soccer kit with a wide smile and muddy knees. He was the only one looking at the camera. 


End file.
